failing to connect

If I could close my eyes and be free Of the images of your face The sound of your voice The sensation of your touch I’d never close my eyes again For it seems that all the pain Is my only reminder of our love My soul longs to connect The way only we have Keeping you far away from me Only makes this longing greater Still souls don’t come Peace is not restored Or even explored All spare moments spent Remembering us Everything in this house a reminder Of the funny things you’d say The crazy nicknames and voices For the times we connected greatly outweighed The times we failed to connect Does that mean we didn’t completely get there Come back to me now In whatever form that may be

we again

Every day I close my eyes And see the life we had I remember the times you made me laugh And forget the times I cried I dream of you, of us, of them And the mourning never seems to end Now I know why you left And the closure just ain’t there Because now I know I made you hurt I’ve always been able to make it better Acknowledging that I made you leave By doubting and fearing what we should have been Is the hardest thing I’ve ever imagined I want to reach out to you To make it all go away, pulling you back to me I want to kiss the wound And make it all better I can’t get close enough to allow hope back in Every fear bubbling over in my head When I think of us together again Yet every day I think of you Missing the love we shared The dreams we created I love your love, I miss your touch Come back to me Let’s be we again

let me be free

what’s in this head making me feel so insecure behind bars of self-hatred unable to accept that I’m lovable the intellectual battling the emotional and losing every time closing my eyes and seeing all the people who stole a piece of me kids are mean, they all say yet all my life it’s been the adults who have broken me down whispering when they thought I couldn’t hear or proclaiming hatred in front of everyone how do you find peace when every person you see as potential for hurling insults living with fear trying to run trying to ignore trying to convince the world that I’m ok why can’t I be me why can’t I accept what I came to be stop holding me back from happiness let go of my shirt and let me be free

betrayal

Nothing in life has ever been important to me Like trust Fear of deceit and lies and cheating Drove me to you I knew you’d never hurt me I knew you loved me like no other Ever had And I loved you I planned our future all by myself And all my effort and passion Went behind these dreams, these visions These hopes for reality When you walked the first time I held onto our life I knew we were meant to be together Forever And I held on to you To the dream To us When you realized your love And couldn’t live without me I felt a fear like no other I knew this was it and I knew it was scary Could you love me enough To make me love myself Could I find that security After you left me the first time Could I hold onto our passion Our dreams and our vision Could I let go of the fear And pain and hurt and insecurity Could I let you love me For me Could I relax and hold my guard At bay Could us be Slowly I accepted And dreamed and prepared to create Our little expression of love, our little life The calm I experienced The fears floating away slowly In preparation for motherhood My soul becoming yours And forsaking all others How does it go away How could you leave me in this dream Your vision clouded with ideals My soul doesn’t understand My dreams disrupted by your reality As you steal my passion and expression And being I’ll never leave you I can’t be without you I love you so much All lies, deceit, and self-deception Love doesn’t leave Love doesn’t stop and go and stop and go It forgives and resolves and communicates Till souls connect again

corporate oppression

Living day-to-day Just to get by No long-term goals No expression of passion No hope of vision Stuck in this corporate bullshit Hidden behind the eye of God Forbidden to express myself To live like me, to be Holding me back Destroying my individuality Must restore that passion The expression The vision The delirious excitement You can’t hold me here any longer You don’t own my spirit You don’t hold the key to my future Living for a paycheck to pay for the house I love to create the American dream in my head living in suburbia counting the SUVs as I drive down my street I want to express diversity Experience lucidity Create and be Free from your prison of who I should be Holding me down While you hypocritically use god to mask your hatred Your inability to accept and not judge And I have to break free.

make it go away

Can’t eradicate the love inside All my thoughts consumed by you You were the one, you are the one And I cannot see the truth I can’t explain the feeling I get Remembering how it felt to hear you love me To feel you feeling me, to love you loving me And now I struggle to bury the memories Your African corn and stupid dragon shirt Sharkey and Cabron The baby, the family, the memories and pictures That horrendous tiger towel And our weekend trips But the love, the feelings, the bitter pain The crushing silence that fills the house Refuse the grave I try to create The reality of it all Broke my spirit Damaged my soul And I’ve never felt so betrayed The one man I believed would never hurt me Did it so, so well I’m deeply sad knowing you are sad Knowing you wouldn’t have done this If you’d known the outcome i feel your pain know your sadness it consumes my every moment and knowing this just makes it worse still wishing on a star and preserving your memory refusing to bury the emotional and closing down the personal I can’t be around you and not touch you I can’t see you and not love you And the saddest thing of all for me Is that you can

i love you because

I love you Because your head smells like warmth Your eyes so intense and penetrating Your smile so shy Your words sarcastic, your lips so full and beautiful I love you Because you engage me in discussions that stimulate You touch my soul each time you touch me You slap my ass like no other has You are kind and cute and trustworthy and funny I hate you Because you left me here alone In my own personal hell You walked away from us You gave up on me I hate you For leaving me with nothing And dismissing my feelings Left me walking an emotional tightrope and for walking out that door I can’t forgive you I can’t forget you I long to be in your arms I long to make everything ok again

someone like you

I want someone like you When we met I felt captivated by your every word You understood me like I’d never experienced before I knew there was a purpose Thought it was different than what I now know But in my dearest friend I found my truth I found my desire My passion I found what I want in a man In life In love I found inside of me the will to desire And dream And a knowing that only comes when pure peace falls I discovered my destiny and Wrote down my path Knowing my life could never be the same After knowing you The friend I never imagined I’d have The confidant I needed so badly The freedom of expression Without judgment The acceptance and truth And wisdom and enlightenment My mind expanded Taking in the new feeling, the new me and liking it. I found in you a friend like no other And that purpose is all I need But through you being you I learned a little more of me So in my life you’ll always be The one who reminded me how to dream

still love you

i still miss you and i don’t want to thoughts of you still plague my reality dreams and hopes have still not vanished my heart cannot be still when i think of you i wanna move on and forget all our love love that wounded and shattered and stole my resolve it’s love i never imagined existed and it’s love i can’t escape someone else has replaced some thoughts of you but you are the face i see when i love you are the dream i hold in my heart and you are impossible to ignore you took my soul, now give it back it’s time for me and nothing more you can’t keep me in this prison of sorrow this dungeon of fear holding me captive you can’t hold my heart in your hands and make it beat when you need to feel me you ran from me again and again yet i can’t let go of the times you were here you know how to invoke a laugh like no one now tears stain my face and pillow and every blanket you are still not far enough away to let me forget and my heart keeps pushing and pulling and it’s getting confused how can we not be together forever how can not love and live and create how can we not be i miss you and i don’t want to nobody can make it go away and now I don’t know what to do because i’ve replaced thoughts of you with another and while my heart beats faster and faster it’s still your face i see when i close my eyes it’s still your scent that make me weep it’s still your friendship i long for and it’s still you that i love