can i swim

The finality of it all the hardest to bear Dreams shattered like mirrors falling Seeing reflections of us in each piece Knowing we’ve been shattered too I can’t buy enough forgiveness Can’t steal a chest of happiness Left to pick up the shards of glass Careful not to cut myself Closing my eyes and seeing your smile Tears leaving a trail to the corners of my mouth Then falling to the floor Heavy breathing, sobs like a child How could you leave me like this Without explanation wondering consumes me My heart and soul and body and mind empty No feeling in my fingertips My toes so fucking cold I collapse in loneliness and let it all go there’s nobody there to pick me up so I fall victim to the voices in my head I should have done this I should have done that If only I’d Why didn’t I try to I could have been But these things matter not one bit the suffering holding me captive can’t escape my own personal hell trembling, trying to break free reaching out to nothing no wishes or fantasies remain no desires or hopes, no love I’m back at the beginning Can I swim?

solidarity

I watch as my soul tries to sneak into your bags Nuzzled up safely between the red sweatshirt I got you for Christmas And your socks I call to it softly: come back to me But it’s so scared of the hurt, longing, fear, and emptiness inside The lack of love, the smell of shame Don’t go I want to scream and yell and cry and convince you this is crazy Don’t leave me in my shell of mediocrity Hold my hand and pull me back again Keep me safe and wipe away the tears Each bag you take a piece of my heart, my soul, my life My time is not your time anymore, my dreams not your dreams Each waking moment just another without you And you’re so calm, working diligently to pack up your car As quickly as you possibly can Can’t stand to see me this way because you know you’re responsible Remembering promises of love and happiness and us Instead packing your shit and leaving me behind To sort through the thoughts of you and me Quit telling me it will all be ok I want throw myself behind the car and make you see it’s crazy Why haven’t you realized that you’re going to be without me And why doesn’t that numb you inside How can you carry on like nothing Deserting Rejecting Replacing Neglecting Give me back my spirit Leave it at my door And get the fuck out of here You selfish bastard.

the slow burn

Sometimes I close my eyes and only see the good times We’re walking on the beach, creating our monogram in shells Suddenly I realize it will never be like that again Lambkins and cabron and Mrs. S no longer exist! How does love stop, how can you even imagine being apart Explain it to my soul because I’ve never been fucked up like this before You lied And you abandoned the most precious thing you ever could have received All my fears forgotten, I thought you were my great protector “Can I name him M Jr.” you asked over and over My spirit wounded, I want to run away and hide All the desire in the world won’t lead you back to me We both know this is it And as I struggle to say goodbye – to you, to us, to part of me - To Nellie and Oliver, our little geek babies I pause, lost for words, and struggle to go on How do you say goodbye to the one you love How do you let go of the need to be in his arms Can’t imagine living life without, sensibility disappeared No tea with extra bubbles, ape man, or even The Apprentice You’ll think of me often, and I’ll do the same And if my real husband dies before me I’ll look you up when I’m super old

you have no soul

You have no soul The spark inside you Ignites nothing inside me Complaining And whining My hairs stand on end Stop thinking you’re The center of my universe You have no soul No idea what makes me tick No desire to learn Criticizing And demanding My attention doesn’t Belong to you Allow me to keep you Distant Let me forget While I get to know Myself again You have no soul And You drain most of mine

goodbye.

I don’t know how to say goodbye to everything we had How to let it go and pretend like I’m sleeping Like you did As I lied next to you, touching your shoulder to feel the connection Tried to keep the tears away because I know how it hurts you to hear me cry But I can’t help it I just wanted to say goodbye I’m remembering times that were so happy, things that were good All bad erased from my memory, the only thing left is happy and true I still hold on to us Every dream of you I’ve had over these years taking first place in my mind Squeezing my eyes shut to hold in the water as I feel you breathing My fingertips tingling Knowing this is the end and you will never love me again All the frustration gone now, only left with hope I shouldn’t hold Lauryn singing the words I don’t have the heart to believe My heart grabbing at straws and pushing me into panic mode Will you really go How do I say goodbye to all we shared And let you go in peace without my begging and sorrow Stay strong, hold on, love will conquer all Why don’t you want to say goodbye, too? Has it all been illusions I’ve created to seem happy Reality pushed to the side to create the perfect life Two people filled with pain from rejection Loving the other one at a time Never together Emotions singing, voices struggling to be heard Insecurities plaguing my soul and holding you at bay “no grass is ever greener than your own” And I believed you, held onto your words like a rope swinging in the air My security in your hands, my heart in your palm Tell me why you don’t want to say goodbye to me and you Pain in your eyes as you try to act like you turned it off The pain too familiar to fool me I’ve felt it, I’ve been it, I’ve lived it Take my hand, hold my eyes, tell me you enjoyed the good times And will forget some of the not-so-good Hold me in your heart Remember my resolve Steal a memory of our union Memorize my words as you walk away And let my smile be ingrained in your soul Because every smile I’ve had since I met you Held the love I feel for you And always will Till the sun stops shining Come back when you are ready and my everlasting love will be here Waiting for you, ready for you, saving a place for forgiveness

slipping away

Soul screaming Let me be free Mind dreaming of times past future plans clouding my tomorrow you act as if you never loved me keeping me far enough holding me close yet like you are so unsure of your decision drawing lines through all our pictures this is not a part of my vision look into my eyes and remember hold it in your heart forever don’t leave me now feel the glances we’d exchange the silly words all our own stupid voices, cake on Fridays tell me you haven’t misplaced our love exploiting my vulnerability and leaving me to ponder the things I did wrong beating myself up inside plotting the plan to lure you back imagining we’re still together and holding on to all we’ve shared the things we know about each other forcing me to believe in you time means nothing minutes just pass each one more painful than the last each breath hurts the lump is killing my throat when will it go away when will I forget the good and remember the bad wishing you’d be hurt like this your brown eyes turning into seas of salt like mine I want you to sting, and hurt, and hate To live through the hell you are giving to me Then I love you again and Beg you to stay Allowing my emotions to take over Knowing there has to be a chance To ride our bikes, and kick the soccer ball Around the yard To talk of babies and bigger houses And the cat You always hated the cat Should I have gotten rid of the cat Would it make you stay If you wanted to stay you’d be here I love you. I always will.

it hurts.

You came into my life one day And since I’ve never been the same My best friend, my lover, but never my husband Then one day you came along And told me that you loved me I read that email 100 times I couldn’t believe what I was seeing The very thing I longed for Right in front of my face At first it freaked me out And people told me I’d made a mistake But I knew in my heart that what we shared Was worth the criticism My defenses dropped, but I kept nagging Like a little girl not getting her way Till one day you snapped And decided to walk away My heart is breaking Each breath I take hurts my soul The emptiness inside The lump in my throat Choking me, holding me back How could I lose the one thing I truly desired My passion and expression strangled By the cold, cold emails Still waiting to hear that it’s all a joke Waiting to hear that it’s a big mistake Longing to feel you hug me and hold me close Smelling my hair and complaining about my smoking Maybe I shouldn’t have criticized the The way you unloaded the dishwasher Maybe I shouldn’t have been annoyed When you failed to replace the toilet paper Hold me Kiss me Love me How will I get over this feeling How will I keep my sanity When can I breathe again And why is this happening to me