perception

Thinking Thinking I think too damn much Worrying and analyzing Never really just being I miss you so much And dream of having you back But reality reminds me That I wasn’t all that happy We failed to connect Living separate lives Happy faces in public Sorrowful resistance at home My heart is aching with missing you But I know I know We can’t be together Still I dream of you most When there’s nobody filling that void Doubting the authenticity Of my emotional pain The longing thoughts of you produced Following the adventure And seeking the fantasy When the reality was something I knew I couldn’t handle Still I miss the way you say says Growing cold with no one to laugh with Holding on to the dream Fading away from reality Isolating from further reduction I think I think too damn much

failing to connect

If I could close my eyes and be free Of the images of your face The sound of your voice The sensation of your touch I’d never close my eyes again For it seems that all the pain Is my only reminder of our love My soul longs to connect The way only we have Keeping you far away from me Only makes this longing greater Still souls don’t come Peace is not restored Or even explored All spare moments spent Remembering us Everything in this house a reminder Of the funny things you’d say The crazy nicknames and voices For the times we connected greatly outweighed The times we failed to connect Does that mean we didn’t completely get there Come back to me now In whatever form that may be

we again

Every day I close my eyes And see the life we had I remember the times you made me laugh And forget the times I cried I dream of you, of us, of them And the mourning never seems to end Now I know why you left And the closure just ain’t there Because now I know I made you hurt I’ve always been able to make it better Acknowledging that I made you leave By doubting and fearing what we should have been Is the hardest thing I’ve ever imagined I want to reach out to you To make it all go away, pulling you back to me I want to kiss the wound And make it all better I can’t get close enough to allow hope back in Every fear bubbling over in my head When I think of us together again Yet every day I think of you Missing the love we shared The dreams we created I love your love, I miss your touch Come back to me Let’s be we again

let me be free

what’s in this head making me feel so insecure behind bars of self-hatred unable to accept that I’m lovable the intellectual battling the emotional and losing every time closing my eyes and seeing all the people who stole a piece of me kids are mean, they all say yet all my life it’s been the adults who have broken me down whispering when they thought I couldn’t hear or proclaiming hatred in front of everyone how do you find peace when every person you see as potential for hurling insults living with fear trying to run trying to ignore trying to convince the world that I’m ok why can’t I be me why can’t I accept what I came to be stop holding me back from happiness let go of my shirt and let me be free

betrayal

Nothing in life has ever been important to me Like trust Fear of deceit and lies and cheating Drove me to you I knew you’d never hurt me I knew you loved me like no other Ever had And I loved you I planned our future all by myself And all my effort and passion Went behind these dreams, these visions These hopes for reality When you walked the first time I held onto our life I knew we were meant to be together Forever And I held on to you To the dream To us When you realized your love And couldn’t live without me I felt a fear like no other I knew this was it and I knew it was scary Could you love me enough To make me love myself Could I find that security After you left me the first time Could I hold onto our passion Our dreams and our vision Could I let go of the fear And pain and hurt and insecurity Could I let you love me For me Could I relax and hold my guard At bay Could us be Slowly I accepted And dreamed and prepared to create Our little expression of love, our little life The calm I experienced The fears floating away slowly In preparation for motherhood My soul becoming yours And forsaking all others How does it go away How could you leave me in this dream Your vision clouded with ideals My soul doesn’t understand My dreams disrupted by your reality As you steal my passion and expression And being I’ll never leave you I can’t be without you I love you so much All lies, deceit, and self-deception Love doesn’t leave Love doesn’t stop and go and stop and go It forgives and resolves and communicates Till souls connect again

corporate oppression

Living day-to-day Just to get by No long-term goals No expression of passion No hope of vision Stuck in this corporate bullshit Hidden behind the eye of God Forbidden to express myself To live like me, to be Holding me back Destroying my individuality Must restore that passion The expression The vision The delirious excitement You can’t hold me here any longer You don’t own my spirit You don’t hold the key to my future Living for a paycheck to pay for the house I love to create the American dream in my head living in suburbia counting the SUVs as I drive down my street I want to express diversity Experience lucidity Create and be Free from your prison of who I should be Holding me down While you hypocritically use god to mask your hatred Your inability to accept and not judge And I have to break free.

make it go away

Can’t eradicate the love inside All my thoughts consumed by you You were the one, you are the one And I cannot see the truth I can’t explain the feeling I get Remembering how it felt to hear you love me To feel you feeling me, to love you loving me And now I struggle to bury the memories Your African corn and stupid dragon shirt Sharkey and Cabron The baby, the family, the memories and pictures That horrendous tiger towel And our weekend trips But the love, the feelings, the bitter pain The crushing silence that fills the house Refuse the grave I try to create The reality of it all Broke my spirit Damaged my soul And I’ve never felt so betrayed The one man I believed would never hurt me Did it so, so well I’m deeply sad knowing you are sad Knowing you wouldn’t have done this If you’d known the outcome i feel your pain know your sadness it consumes my every moment and knowing this just makes it worse still wishing on a star and preserving your memory refusing to bury the emotional and closing down the personal I can’t be around you and not touch you I can’t see you and not love you And the saddest thing of all for me Is that you can

i love you because

I love you Because your head smells like warmth Your eyes so intense and penetrating Your smile so shy Your words sarcastic, your lips so full and beautiful I love you Because you engage me in discussions that stimulate You touch my soul each time you touch me You slap my ass like no other has You are kind and cute and trustworthy and funny I hate you Because you left me here alone In my own personal hell You walked away from us You gave up on me I hate you For leaving me with nothing And dismissing my feelings Left me walking an emotional tightrope and for walking out that door I can’t forgive you I can’t forget you I long to be in your arms I long to make everything ok again

someone like you

I want someone like you When we met I felt captivated by your every word You understood me like I’d never experienced before I knew there was a purpose Thought it was different than what I now know But in my dearest friend I found my truth I found my desire My passion I found what I want in a man In life In love I found inside of me the will to desire And dream And a knowing that only comes when pure peace falls I discovered my destiny and Wrote down my path Knowing my life could never be the same After knowing you The friend I never imagined I’d have The confidant I needed so badly The freedom of expression Without judgment The acceptance and truth And wisdom and enlightenment My mind expanded Taking in the new feeling, the new me and liking it. I found in you a friend like no other And that purpose is all I need But through you being you I learned a little more of me So in my life you’ll always be The one who reminded me how to dream

still love you

i still miss you and i don’t want to thoughts of you still plague my reality dreams and hopes have still not vanished my heart cannot be still when i think of you i wanna move on and forget all our love love that wounded and shattered and stole my resolve it’s love i never imagined existed and it’s love i can’t escape someone else has replaced some thoughts of you but you are the face i see when i love you are the dream i hold in my heart and you are impossible to ignore you took my soul, now give it back it’s time for me and nothing more you can’t keep me in this prison of sorrow this dungeon of fear holding me captive you can’t hold my heart in your hands and make it beat when you need to feel me you ran from me again and again yet i can’t let go of the times you were here you know how to invoke a laugh like no one now tears stain my face and pillow and every blanket you are still not far enough away to let me forget and my heart keeps pushing and pulling and it’s getting confused how can we not be together forever how can not love and live and create how can we not be i miss you and i don’t want to nobody can make it go away and now I don’t know what to do because i’ve replaced thoughts of you with another and while my heart beats faster and faster it’s still your face i see when i close my eyes it’s still your scent that make me weep it’s still your friendship i long for and it’s still you that i love

our orchard

Bright green trees and Apple blossoms brightening the sky Any of the trees perfect To house our next picnic And we run through The luscious green grass Playing and squealing Till we fall together Under our favorite tree We kiss and laugh And tease and kiss And hold each other tight Looking up Flowers dying The leaves wilting The branches drooping And in your orchard The leaves turn brown Crumbling to the ground You cut down the tree And in my orchard It all turns green Watering and nursing I talk to my tree Till the leaves grow green And flowers are seen For no grass is greener than your own the orchard has died but in our souls the memory lives reminding us how green it once was

waking up alone

Come by me baby Let me hold you and kiss you And Love you My mind’s going crazy missing you Reminded by all the things you used to do I can’t hold my head so high no more Felt it since you walked out that door My heart hurts, I just want you to come by me Let go of it all and let us be free Sharing dreams and fantasies, looks of love and lust But how could I ever, ever again give you my trust You’ve hurt me to the core, my soul genuinely wounded How do I get back up and rediscover me How can I give in and just let this be I have to turn the saddest time of my life into fun And I can’t help wondering who here won Wasn’t me, definitely not you How could it even possibly be true We’re both miserable, why play any longer Can’t you see that these things we go through just make us stronger And closer…but you’re not close now, you ran the fuck away I’m still at home waiting for you I have to smile Go to the gym and walk a mile (lol) I’ve gotta get my shit together Pick up and take care of me When I’ve never really done that before It’s overwhelming taking control When you thought you had it all along

can i swim

The finality of it all the hardest to bear Dreams shattered like mirrors falling Seeing reflections of us in each piece Knowing we’ve been shattered too I can’t buy enough forgiveness Can’t steal a chest of happiness Left to pick up the shards of glass Careful not to cut myself Closing my eyes and seeing your smile Tears leaving a trail to the corners of my mouth Then falling to the floor Heavy breathing, sobs like a child How could you leave me like this Without explanation wondering consumes me My heart and soul and body and mind empty No feeling in my fingertips My toes so fucking cold I collapse in loneliness and let it all go there’s nobody there to pick me up so I fall victim to the voices in my head I should have done this I should have done that If only I’d Why didn’t I try to I could have been But these things matter not one bit the suffering holding me captive can’t escape my own personal hell trembling, trying to break free reaching out to nothing no wishes or fantasies remain no desires or hopes, no love I’m back at the beginning Can I swim?

solidarity

I watch as my soul tries to sneak into your bags Nuzzled up safely between the red sweatshirt I got you for Christmas And your socks I call to it softly: come back to me But it’s so scared of the hurt, longing, fear, and emptiness inside The lack of love, the smell of shame Don’t go I want to scream and yell and cry and convince you this is crazy Don’t leave me in my shell of mediocrity Hold my hand and pull me back again Keep me safe and wipe away the tears Each bag you take a piece of my heart, my soul, my life My time is not your time anymore, my dreams not your dreams Each waking moment just another without you And you’re so calm, working diligently to pack up your car As quickly as you possibly can Can’t stand to see me this way because you know you’re responsible Remembering promises of love and happiness and us Instead packing your shit and leaving me behind To sort through the thoughts of you and me Quit telling me it will all be ok I want throw myself behind the car and make you see it’s crazy Why haven’t you realized that you’re going to be without me And why doesn’t that numb you inside How can you carry on like nothing Deserting Rejecting Replacing Neglecting Give me back my spirit Leave it at my door And get the fuck out of here You selfish bastard.

the slow burn

Sometimes I close my eyes and only see the good times We’re walking on the beach, creating our monogram in shells Suddenly I realize it will never be like that again Lambkins and cabron and Mrs. S no longer exist! How does love stop, how can you even imagine being apart Explain it to my soul because I’ve never been fucked up like this before You lied And you abandoned the most precious thing you ever could have received All my fears forgotten, I thought you were my great protector “Can I name him M Jr.” you asked over and over My spirit wounded, I want to run away and hide All the desire in the world won’t lead you back to me We both know this is it And as I struggle to say goodbye – to you, to us, to part of me - To Nellie and Oliver, our little geek babies I pause, lost for words, and struggle to go on How do you say goodbye to the one you love How do you let go of the need to be in his arms Can’t imagine living life without, sensibility disappeared No tea with extra bubbles, ape man, or even The Apprentice You’ll think of me often, and I’ll do the same And if my real husband dies before me I’ll look you up when I’m super old

you have no soul

You have no soul The spark inside you Ignites nothing inside me Complaining And whining My hairs stand on end Stop thinking you’re The center of my universe You have no soul No idea what makes me tick No desire to learn Criticizing And demanding My attention doesn’t Belong to you Allow me to keep you Distant Let me forget While I get to know Myself again You have no soul And You drain most of mine

goodbye.

I don’t know how to say goodbye to everything we had How to let it go and pretend like I’m sleeping Like you did As I lied next to you, touching your shoulder to feel the connection Tried to keep the tears away because I know how it hurts you to hear me cry But I can’t help it I just wanted to say goodbye I’m remembering times that were so happy, things that were good All bad erased from my memory, the only thing left is happy and true I still hold on to us Every dream of you I’ve had over these years taking first place in my mind Squeezing my eyes shut to hold in the water as I feel you breathing My fingertips tingling Knowing this is the end and you will never love me again All the frustration gone now, only left with hope I shouldn’t hold Lauryn singing the words I don’t have the heart to believe My heart grabbing at straws and pushing me into panic mode Will you really go How do I say goodbye to all we shared And let you go in peace without my begging and sorrow Stay strong, hold on, love will conquer all Why don’t you want to say goodbye, too? Has it all been illusions I’ve created to seem happy Reality pushed to the side to create the perfect life Two people filled with pain from rejection Loving the other one at a time Never together Emotions singing, voices struggling to be heard Insecurities plaguing my soul and holding you at bay “no grass is ever greener than your own” And I believed you, held onto your words like a rope swinging in the air My security in your hands, my heart in your palm Tell me why you don’t want to say goodbye to me and you Pain in your eyes as you try to act like you turned it off The pain too familiar to fool me I’ve felt it, I’ve been it, I’ve lived it Take my hand, hold my eyes, tell me you enjoyed the good times And will forget some of the not-so-good Hold me in your heart Remember my resolve Steal a memory of our union Memorize my words as you walk away And let my smile be ingrained in your soul Because every smile I’ve had since I met you Held the love I feel for you And always will Till the sun stops shining Come back when you are ready and my everlasting love will be here Waiting for you, ready for you, saving a place for forgiveness

slipping away

Soul screaming Let me be free Mind dreaming of times past future plans clouding my tomorrow you act as if you never loved me keeping me far enough holding me close yet like you are so unsure of your decision drawing lines through all our pictures this is not a part of my vision look into my eyes and remember hold it in your heart forever don’t leave me now feel the glances we’d exchange the silly words all our own stupid voices, cake on Fridays tell me you haven’t misplaced our love exploiting my vulnerability and leaving me to ponder the things I did wrong beating myself up inside plotting the plan to lure you back imagining we’re still together and holding on to all we’ve shared the things we know about each other forcing me to believe in you time means nothing minutes just pass each one more painful than the last each breath hurts the lump is killing my throat when will it go away when will I forget the good and remember the bad wishing you’d be hurt like this your brown eyes turning into seas of salt like mine I want you to sting, and hurt, and hate To live through the hell you are giving to me Then I love you again and Beg you to stay Allowing my emotions to take over Knowing there has to be a chance To ride our bikes, and kick the soccer ball Around the yard To talk of babies and bigger houses And the cat You always hated the cat Should I have gotten rid of the cat Would it make you stay If you wanted to stay you’d be here I love you. I always will.

it hurts.

You came into my life one day And since I’ve never been the same My best friend, my lover, but never my husband Then one day you came along And told me that you loved me I read that email 100 times I couldn’t believe what I was seeing The very thing I longed for Right in front of my face At first it freaked me out And people told me I’d made a mistake But I knew in my heart that what we shared Was worth the criticism My defenses dropped, but I kept nagging Like a little girl not getting her way Till one day you snapped And decided to walk away My heart is breaking Each breath I take hurts my soul The emptiness inside The lump in my throat Choking me, holding me back How could I lose the one thing I truly desired My passion and expression strangled By the cold, cold emails Still waiting to hear that it’s all a joke Waiting to hear that it’s a big mistake Longing to feel you hug me and hold me close Smelling my hair and complaining about my smoking Maybe I shouldn’t have criticized the The way you unloaded the dishwasher Maybe I shouldn’t have been annoyed When you failed to replace the toilet paper Hold me Kiss me Love me How will I get over this feeling How will I keep my sanity When can I breathe again And why is this happening to me

forever love.

You don’t see me When we pass in the hall One word sentences Stinging my ears You are my love My life My best friend Yet we’re light-years away Inside Our souls not connecting Our minds and hearts drifting So much work to be together I want to scream and yell And cry I want you to see me And love me And listen to me I’m too expressive And you’re too repressive All of me I’ve given you Determined to spend my life Loving you Willing to work and talk And trust Waiting for you to give yourself Completely to me Express your feelings Share your thoughts Connect to my soul Like I know only you can I knew it was destiny The moment we met Our road painted with curves And dead-ends The way was so difficult But now we’re here And required to make Tough decisions Align our visions Love unconditionally Together As one

old times

Oh shit, how could this be? You’re like you, I’m like me Yet we’re like we I’m trembling Imagining the unknown Dreams becoming visions When you express yourself Vivid and pure and beautiful And we Fingertips dancing, I pour out my heart Reaching for your soul Not allowed to touch, but my words invite Longing for whispers under moonlight Interpretive dances filling our night Emotion And passion Expression And vision I want to feel your every thought Write to me Sing to me Make me vulnerable Until it lasts no more For some of you would be better Than none at all

emotions

How is it possible To feel so many emotions Tears For no reason For once Nothing is wrong Been high Loving life Loving me And now I want to Breakdown Why? When things are so good And things feel so right Why do these emotions Invade me Oppress me Restrict me Why do they take over And leave me without Control Why the confusion No explanation for the Sadness Preciso entender Need to know So I can Analyze And criticize Make everything better Inside So I can Learn And prevent Guard myself from these feelings And turn off the tears

simple complexity

Sometimes I yell to get your attention And then feel bad For being so aggressive I cry and pout and silently beg Sometimes you don't notice So I try even harder Do you understand the way I feel or think I'm acting like a spoiled child Frustrated My lip quivers and tears fall I just want it all to be ok No fighting, no yelling, no crying Negative energy flying Connect with me Allow me to be me And I'll let you be you In simple complexity

slow burn

Stop smoking weed? Now why the hell Would I go and do that In this world of radical Christians, Bush, and war A quick toke here, a quick toke there Inspires me To write and dream The hypocritical Christian boss Keeping me from the top Because I'm a woman Puff puff give Reminds me not to settle To fight for all that I believe I've gotta get out Before corporate America Steals my spirit I'll keep puffing and passing to keep the connection

in the morning

In the morning the alarm sounds Immediately I think of you How will you make me laugh today How will you make me think today How will you make me smile today Jump out of bed And find the cutest outfit I own Anticipating seeing you I feel the warm shower rain down And I wonder when we’ll first kiss Will it be under the tree with the pink flowers Or on the side lawn Where you kicked your feet in the grass Will it ever be Will we ever get there Or will we continue on Supporting one another Caring for one another Writing for one another Until we run out of things to say Will we ever really get there Listening to Res as I drive Arriving early to see the first words And then it happens I realize that we have to get there We have to get there Your words inspire me To be a better me My words inspire me to Actually know the person writing them You make me laugh You make me think You make me smile And before I sleep I wonder How it got so deep I wonder How long it will last I totally wonder How long before we’re there

soul connection

Follow me now As I take you On a journey Deep into my soul Accept the things you see Challenge those you don't believe But stay my friend For always Open up to me Or don't Whichever you prefer I like you open And accepting Sharing, explaining, understanding Expressing, laughing, writing I feel you We've done this all before Awareness improved it Lured me away from my fears Helped me face my reality Make me accept what is Before me What is me Indulge with me And we shall know each other Again Like never before

use your key

Use your key To open the door And walk through Like you own the place Come in Look in my fridge Leave your glass For me to pick up Talk to me About nothing at all Try to kiss me And run your hands Over my legs Tell me my ass Is smaller Hug me Hold me so close I want to tear your clothes off Let me get away from you I’ll sit on the Opposite side of the room Wondering why you’re here Wishing you’d leave And then wishing You would stay As you rise to leave I feel my heart Break again As I do every time This is the last time You walk Out that door This time is different Leave your key Behind as you go There’s no love here for you Anymore This is my struggle

can't go on

Can’t go on Bearing the cross Of imagination Old enough to know Smart enough to stop Before I lose control Pulse increasing Heart racing Stop me before I say something stupid Your “cuteness” Plaguing my dreams Holding my attention Contemplating possible True intentions It’s time – Have to stop Before it beats too fast And I trip Fall flat and hard Losing tears stained With the image Of your face Just one more time Before I leave Remind me just how Grrrrrrrrrrreat It all felt Written when I first met M.